Former carer Christina Neal reveals why it’s not a good idea to tell a person with dementia that their loved one has died when they have forgotten.
Mum was confused. That was nothing new. But the words that came out of her mouth left me baffled, upset and gobsmacked. ‘Your Dad hasn’t come home from work. I’m worried something might have happened to him.’
My Dad had been dead for a number of years. Mum was with him when he passed away and we all went to the funeral. This conversation was made all the more awkward by the fact that mum was talking to me on the phone. I was inexperienced at handling this sort of situation. I lacked knowledge and understanding of how to cope with questions about a dead loved one, so I did the wrong thing. ‘Mum, Dad passed away five years ago. We went to the funeral together. He had been very ill.’
Mum burst into tears. ‘I can’t believe I don’t remember that. I can’t believe he’s gone.’
I listened to her sobs down the phone, broken-hearted. At that point, I knew I had handled the situation badly. But how do you tell a loved one that their nearest and dearest – or in my mum’s case, the man she had been happily married to for over 50 years – has passed away when they no longer remember?
It was the one and only time I made that mistake. I knew from her reaction that I would have to handle things differently in future. Next time she asked after my father, I used distraction techniques and it worked. ‘Your Dad should be home by now,’ she said a few months later. I pointed towards the window. ‘Look at the traffic outside,’ I said. ‘It’s terrible. He must have been delayed.’
She nodded. I offered her a cup of tea. She seemed satisfied with my answer and pleased at the offer of a cup of tea. She didn’t mention him again. Her asking after him had just been a random moment. It was gone and forgotten in a few minutes.
The same thing happened on numerous occasions in the last few years of her life. She would ask for him every month or so. I would always come up with a reason why he wasn’t around. I would either blame the traffic or say that he’d gone to the shops. She was always happy with my response and she had always forgotten asking about him within a few minutes.
Some people ask if it’s right to lie to the person about their loved one. In my view, it’s justifiable. Professional carers refer to it as ‘therapeutic lying’, as they know it’s doing the person good. There’s no benefit in a person with dementia being told that their loved one is dead as they will grieve all over again, as though they’ve heard this for the first time. They will also be distressed that they didn’t remember their wife/husband or partner of many years has gone. If you want to preserve the feelings and emotional wellbeing of your loved one, then either distract them with another question, change the subject or tell a white lie. It’s in their best interests. If it’s not for malicious reasons, and you’re lying to spare the person’s feelings, then it’s worth doing.
I tell mum dads in heaven and waiting for us sone day and she’s ok , otherwise she is constantly distressed wondering where he is . Also other family members don’t feel uncomfortable lying , it works for us .
You have to do what works for you. I did bend the truth on occasions but only in the best interests of my mum. If it would make her happier I would do it. But every situation is unique.
Great article – and I totally agree. Well said, and well written. When issues like this come up, it’s always best to answer with a white (therapeutic) lie, and move on to other topics. Our role at that point in their life is to help them feel safe, comfortable, happy, and loved, whatever that takes. I always go along with whatever my dad says, whether it makes sense or not, and he’s happy. It hurts nothing and helps him feel validated and understood. He once told me he wanted my car, for me to buy a new one and give him my old one (he was in his 90s, had dementia, and had not driven in years). I told yes, that would be fine, and he was happy. He then forgot all about it – but he was happy, rather than having an incident where I’m trying to explain something and him being upset and not understanding. Much better to have them happy.
Thank you Lynn. I am glad you found it useful. Therapeutic lying is recognised in the care industry as being beneficial so long as it’s done in the best interests of the person. As you say, it’s much better to have your loved one happy.
i dont think that many people really understand dementia because there is many different types my wife had vascular dementia in my mind i think it is the worst kind because you loose your brain over several years i was with her when she took her last breath nothing in the world could compare with that she has been gone just 3 months i still cry ever day when i think of her i am crying now
it says sign up for a newsletter my wife is gone all the newsletters in the world will not bring her back you get a newsletter you read it and all it is doing is to remind you of your loved one you see unless you have cared for someone with dementia you dont really understand what it is like to care for someone with this dredful complaint
My mom’s spouse passed away 4 months ago. She does not remember.. everyday she cries about it. The same thing over and over. I tried to tell her once he was camping with his sons, she said bull….. don’t lie to me.
It’s all she wants to talk about. It’s exhausting. I feel so bad for her. She will call me sometimes 20 times a day saying the same thing. I can spend a day out with her.. she will still the minute I leave start calling and saying she can’t get ahold of him. She’ll say it 2 minutes after we just went through the whole story. She never does it around her friends or the aids. She is in an assisted living.