One of the many challenges a carer faces is encouraging a loved one with dementia to accept extra assistance and support. Helen Drain, Dementia Trainer & Deputy Training Team Leader at Christies Care (christiescare.com) has some suggestions on how to handle this delicate situation.
If you’re a carer looking after a loved one with dementia, it can be a huge challenge to encourage the person to accept that they may need extra help and support or appreciate that you, as their main carer, may not be able to provide all the care required on your own. The key is to be diplomatic and sensitive, not bossy or domineering. Rather than pushing the person into accepting help they don’t want, first try to see things from their point of view.
Perhaps your loved one is so resistant to additional help because they are reluctant to let go of their independence. Before their dementia diagnosis, they may have been very independent and able to manage their own life, cope with daily tasks and manage their finances and run the household. Imagine having that independence taken away from you piece by piece. Imagine how you would feel if you were no longer able to carry out your own personal care, drive yourself to appointments, get your own shopping or navigate your way around town and back home again.
The best way to approach this delicate situation is to ask the person how they feel they are getting on. Rather than telling them they aren’t coping and must have help, observe, are they struggling? What can they do themselves? Also make suggestions as to what would make life easier. For instance, you may want to suggest they have a cleaner/gardener so that they can have more spare time to be with friends or socialise, rather than telling them they aren’t cleaning the house properly. Do not make too many changes at once as the person may struggle to take onboard all of the new information which could cause further distress. They may also feel that their life is moving out of there control as the changes are being pushed upon them.
If the person is still reluctant to accept any assistance, try not to lose your temper. Stay calm and perhaps ask other trusted friends to get some ideas. Maybe the person’s GP would be willing to explain to them how some additional assistance would be beneficial.
Don’t start the conversation about additional care with the person without knowing what services and help are available to them. Discuss these options with the person and let them decide what help they might need. For example, they may still be able to cook their own meals and dress themselves each day, but they might find it useful to have someone to help with cleaning or changing the bedding. Always think about how you can maintain the person’s self-esteem and don’t ever tell them what they need… ask them how you could assist them? If their dementia is more advanced and they genuinely don’t know, you could go ahead and arrange for a carer to come in but position the carer as a friend, rather than a professional care worker.
You could say that your ‘friend’ is coming in on her way home from work for a cup of tea and a chat, rather than saying the person is a carer coming in to make dinner. Or perhaps you could introduce the carer as a housekeeper or a cook, which may be easier for the person to accept.
The way that additional assistance is presented can make a large difference to how it is perceived by the person. It is often seen as a negative situation but it can actually lead to a boost in confidence and self-worth by providing a small amount of support with basic tasks to allow the person to maintain their independence, yet have someone to turn to at times of concern.