A year on from the loss of her partner Sheila, Sue Strachan, who has vascular dementia, reveals how she is coping with grief and talks about her recent house move and managing daily life.

Sue Strachan is 69 and was diagnosed with vascular dementia at the age of 56. A year ago, she tragically lost her life partner of 32 years, Sheila, with whom she lived in Herefordshire. Sue has recently moved to be closer to family.

It’s been a year since you lost your partner, Sheila. How have you been coping?
Very up and down. I’ve discovered how very physical grief can be. I went to the doctor a few months ago because I couldn’t believe how ill I felt. No stamina, no energy. They ran blood tests – it was grief.

How are you managing the grief?
I’m doing the best I can. Somebody once said to me, You don’t realise how strong you are until that’s all you can do. I talk to Sheila a lot when I’m dog walking. It’s been a roller coaster. I had grief counselling almost straight after she passed, and it was really helpful. I learned a lot about emotional truth.
Now, when people say, ‘I know how you feel,’ I say, ‘I know you’re trying to empathise, but your relationship isn’t the same as my 32-year partnership.’ Only a couple have been offended. Most people don’t know what to say. And my response is – then don’t say anything.

I understand you recently went to Bali to commemorate Sheila’s life.
We took Sheila’s ashes to Bali. I went with two very close friends. Sheila and I had been going to Bali every other year for 20 years. We became very close to a family there. They wanted to do something to mark Sheila’s passing. We went to the family’s village, and what they hadn’t prepared me for was a beautiful altar, with a massive photo of Sheila, which I hadn’t expected. The ashes go out to sea, and symbolically, when the rain clouds pick up water from the sea and it rains, that’s the person returning. There was a real sense of calm.

What kind of support are you getting now?
I’ve signed up with a counsellor in Lewes. I’m being frank with friends and family. I’ve given myself permission to be this way. Some people message, “Thinking of you – how are you?” And when I reply, I never hear back. It felt like a tick-box thing. So, I stopped replying. I’d rather they didn’t say anything than come out with something unhelpful. Several friends have been amazingly supportive. Scott Mitchell (widower of the late Dame Barbara Windsor) has been particularly attentive. He checks in every week.

And your dog Saffy has helped too?
Absolutely. She’s the reason I’ve got out of bed some mornings. I owe it to Sheila and the dog to treat her properly.

Who else has supported you?
There’s a private Facebook running group linked to Alzheimer’s Research UK. They’ve been amazing. And my family.

What made you decide to move?
At first, I thought I’d stay. But I realised I was becoming isolated. We lived rurally, and Sheila had been part of everything in the village. I was lonely, and the place needed maintenance. I put my house on the market in January and came down to Lewes. It has a lovely vibe.

How did you find moving?
Moving is incredibly stressful. I do worry that once the dust settles, my dementia might dip. I’ve got an appointment with a new GP to see what support is available.
I hope I continue as I am. Yes, I’ve deteriorated, but I’m still functioning well. One reason I left the village was the painful reminders – Sheila was everywhere. I still find it hard to picture her. That’s possibly dementia, but also a coping mechanism. On good days, I think, ‘We had 32 amazing years. ’ On bad days, I still can’t believe she’s gone.

How are you finding the new environment?
It’s refreshing to have people around me. I don’t have the countryside on my doorstep anymore, but I’m not lonely. In Hereford, I’d walk the dog for an hour and not see anyone. Here, I step out, and there are people. Lewes is a lovely town.

What’s helping you adjust?
Taking it slowly. I’m usually harsh on myself, but my grief counsellor said: ‘Prioritise and pace’. That’s been really helpful. Sheila used to do so much for me. Now I’m learning to do things myself, and it’s tiring.

You mentioned you’ve lost weight.
I lost three stone. Sheila was a really brilliant cook and very good at making sure I ate properly. But the grief became overwhelming, and eating was, and still is, really difficult. I have no interest in preparing food. I’ve started relying on ready meals, and I am trying to choose ones that have good nutrients in them. So, if people have said, ‘Oh, you look really well’, I’ve said to them, Thank you. But grief is not a good diet, I don’t recommend it. Hopefully, if I can get back into my running, having lost weight will help.

Do you take any supplements?
I take a multi-vitamin. Early on, I bought myself Complan, which is a good way of getting goodness into my system. My dear nephew, Gareth, told me about an app called Yuka. Scanning the barcode on food items gives you a rating, and anything over 50 out of 100 is considered good. Many of the ready meals I’ve added to this app are packed with nutrients.

Who’s supporting you now?
My nephew Gareth, my niece Lara, my dear friend Angie and the rest of my family. They’ve gone above and beyond.

Do you have happier days?
I have what my grief counsellor called ‘glimmers’. I haven’t had absolute joy since Sheila passed, but I strive for it. I’ve had moments of ‘This is okay,’ and moments of ‘I can’t take any more.’ But I’ve got people I can reach out to. I think Sheila would be proud.

You’re an ambassador for Alzheimer’s Research UK. How important is that work?
Sheila and I became ambassadors together. She never got to do anything in the role. I carry on in tribute to her. It’s not just about fundraising – it’s about awareness. The Perfume Shop has supported Alzheimer’s Research UK for 11 years. They had a campaign called “Be More Sue,” which initially embarrassed me, but I now accept that it helps others. I’ve given talks to their managers and visited their head office.

What advice do you have for anyone just diagnosed?
Ask for help and take it whenever it’s offered, if it’s appropriate.

More Information
Sue is an ambassador for Alzheimer’s Research UK and previously completed the London Marathon to raise funds. She is working with the charity to raise awareness of the need for early diagnosis. Visit https://www.alzheimersresearchuk.org/